Legend of Zelda: Pot Smokers Guide to the Legend of Zelda

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final kaoss

Staff member
BY: Garrett Aja

Author's note:This guide is not meant to endorse, condemn, or otherwise
form an opinion about smoking a fatty blunt and playing Nintendo,
specifically The Legend Of Zelda, released by Nintendo in 1987 for the
Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). Nintendo probably doesn't like people
using drugs, although the Super Mario Bros. games imply otherwise. All the
opinions or thoughts expressed are mine. This guide is loosely based on my
life experiences, although I've never done drugs and then played a video
game. This walkthrough is not meant to be used by drug users, just first
time players wanting a more entertaining way of learning the game, and
for experienced players to laugh at an old favorite. All future Author's
Notes will serve to inform the reader of things they should know. All (OK,
some) of the names have been changed in order to protect the innocent.
Look both ways before crossing the street. The Boston Red Sox rule. The
Force will be with you. . .(endless babbling ensues)

Pot Smoker Dude:Yo, Garrett, what are doin' man? (takes moderate sized
hit off his joint)

Garrett:I'm playing Zelda. You see, I like the brain cells that I haven't
rotted away watching South Park and Jerry Springer.

P:Man, that's not fair. Smoking out is way to commune with nature, you
know like get in touch with the cosmos and stuff. (takes a small hit,

G:What in the name of God are you talking about?

P:You need to smoke to understand. Hey, this looks really groovy, man.
Can I play?

G:Okay, I guess. (hands over the big ol' NES Advantage to the Dude with a
note of indignation)

P:Man, this is one big controller. Does it wrap your papers for you?


P:Bummer. What's that name "FAG" there for?

G:That's my roommate's file. He thinks anything that has pointed ears is
a flaming homosexual. (Author's Note:This no lie. My roommate really does
think this. And it's not limited to Link. Even Mr. Spock, the ultimate
pimp daddy, is a flamer in his opinion.)

P:And you accuse me of smoking too much pot. OK, I've got that sword from
that hippie dude in the cave, what do I do now? (takes a REALLY big hit,
laughs for no real reason, and proclaims, "Damn!")

G:You need to get some bombs in the eastern forest. Then go to the screen
to the left of the the start and bomb at the top of the screen. The
gambling guy is in that room. You can cheat and press Start on the first
controller and press Up and A on the second controller to Retry when you
lose and Save when you win. It's a quick way to get money for the Blue
Candle, Magical Shield, Arrows, and Blue Ring. And the old man is not a

P:Alright! Do I get a free brick? (exhales smoke right into my face)

G:No! And if you ever, ever exhale that $#!% in my face again, I'll kill

P:Sorry, man. (coughs) Where can I get all this stuff(and where's some

G:Here's my map, fool! The Blue Candle is best bought in square G7,
(Author's Note:All coordinates are based on the NES Atlas, by Nintendo
Power, that lists each screen by numbered rows and lettered columns.) the
Magical Shield 2 screens up in G5 (use the candle on the corner tree), the
Arrows in K5, and the Blue Ring in E4 (push the top middle Armos). You can
also get Heart Containers by Bombing the mountain in M3, Bombing the wall
on the left center at the top (2 squares over from the top exit), and torching
the 5th tree from the right in H5. You'll also want the White Sword in K1,
which you can get when you have 5 Hearts worth of life.

P:What's with the Heart Container stuff, man? Am I gonna get to rip out
hearts? That would be gnarly, dude.

G:No! The Heart Containers help you live longer, just like the Blue Ring.

P:Ohh. . .(takes a drag and plays silently while finding all that
stuff-he's totally absorbed for at least 20 minutes) Woah! I found this
lady who's just sitting there! How dow I get her to give me some Pot?

G rolls his eyes) She doesn't give you pot. She sells Life Potion after
you show her the letter that's found in O1. You should also get the Power
Bracelet in E3 (push the top right Armos). Its allows you to use the
shortcuts. (coughs, starts to feel woozy) Hey, open that window! Now I'm
starting to get high!

P:Good. Now why does this screen repeat?

G:It's the Lost Woods. Go up, left, down, and left to get out.

P:I've got all this crap now. Where do I go?

G:Go to Level One in H4. It's faster if you go around to the screen just
left of the Power Bracelet (D3), and push on the leftmost block to open
the first shortcut. The left stairway leads to Shortcut #4 (N2), the
middle to Shortcut #2 (J5), and the right one to Shortcut #3 (J8). You
want to go to Shortcut #2.

P:Whoah! Look at all the Kenny Clones! (proceeds to seek and destroy
Octoroks with insane glee)

G:Those aren't clones of Kenny! And besides, you fought a whole buttload
of these Octoroks before and never said anything about their appearance.

P:Because I've just had a moment of clarity, man. (shakes his head in
disbelief and takes a sizable hit)

G:Okay, sure, whatever you say. (shakes his head and gets up to raid the

P:OK, now where do I go in this place, and why is everything such a
depressing color of blue? (takes a hit, looking rather depressed all the

G:First, you want to leave as soon as possible and then re-enter. This
wipes out the locked door at the to top of the screen. The Level is set to
a 6x6 grid that resembles an Eagle.

Map Of Level 1(Eagle)
                        A  B  C  D  E  F
                      1    X  X               Entrance-C6
                      2       X     X  X      Keys-B6, D6, C4, C2, C1, E3
                      3 X  X  X  X  X         Map-C3
                      4    X  X  X            Compass-D4
                      5       X               Treasures-B1(Bow), D3(Wooden
                      6    X  X  X              Boomerang 
Boss-E2(Aquamentus)                     Bomb Openings-C1(top) & C2(top)
I's best to kill off all the enemies you see inside, because you usually
get most of the goodies after you kill off all the bad guys. (cracks open
a can of Coca-Cola, which is quickly disposed of)

P:Oh, my God, it's Puff the Magic Dragon! (puts down the King Of All NES
Controllers and immediately bows before the TV screen)

G:Hey, numbnuts. That's not one of your cheesy drug icons; that's the
boss-and he's kicking your @$$!

P:What!?! (picks up the Advantage. I wouldn't want to be Aquamentus) You
f^(%!#g b@$~@&d!!!! (I said I wouldn't want to be Aquamentus, didn't I?)

G:Good job. Now what did you just learn?

P:I'll never use acid again, man! (mumbles) Stupid dragon, think you can
kick my @$$. I'll show you. (looks at the screen) Whoah, what's that?

G:It's the first piece of the Triforce Of Wisdom. Once you get all 8
pieces, you can hunt dow Ganon, beat his b!%$# @$$ down, and get it on
with Princess Zelda. (Author's Note:This is an excerpt form the Zelda
cartoon- Link:"Kiss me, Zelda." Zelda:"NO!!" (whap!)-Obviously, I was
talking just a little bit out of context there)

P:Oh, man, this sucks. Why can't Nintendo make games where you just, like
smoke bowls and, like, get laid?

G:One, 'cause smoking pot is illegal and Nintendo kind of respects the
law, you know? Two, 'cause that kind of game would suck, fool! Now go to
M4 so yo can enter Level 2!

P:OK. What's the deal with this level, Zelda geek?

G:OK, smart@$$, here's the deal: Level 2 is a little bigger, set to a 4x8
grid and shaped like a Crescent Moon (looks like a Boomerang to me).

Level 2-Moon         A  B  C  D
                   1    X  X         Entrance-B8          Bomb Openings-D7
                   2       X  X      Keys-C8, A7, A5, A4   (top), D6(top),
                   3       X  X      Map-D6                D5(top),D4(top
                   4       X  X      Compass-D7            ), D2(left)
                   5       X  X      Bombs-C2, D4
                   6       X  X      5-Coin Rupy-D3
                   7 X  X  X  X      Treasures-D5(Magical Boomerang)
                   8    X  X         Boss-C1(Dodongos [2])
About the Magical Boomerang: if you take it, all the Goriyas automatically
get them, too. It's all a matter of if you want to deal with the added
headaches or not.

P:What the hell? What is this? How do I beat these dino-thingies?

G:Well "Barry," (Author's Note:If you've played the Jill game of
Resident Evil, you know what I'm talking about.) you've got plant 2 bombs
in front of the Dodongos so they can eat them and die.

P:And I thought 'shrooms messed up my system. Sheesh! (brief pause) What
do I do now?

G:Go to E8 to get to Level 3, which is shaped like Manji, the Indian
symbol for good luck.

Level 3(Manji)

                  A  B  C  D  E
                1    X  X          Entrance-D6          Treasure-A5(Raft)
                2       X     X    Keys-B1, C3, A3, C5, C6
                3 X  X  X  X  X    Map-D3               Boss-E3(Manhandla)
                4 X  X  X  X  X    Compass-B4           Bomb Openings-C4,
                5 X     X          Bombs-B3, C4           D3(both left)
                6       X  X       5-Coin Rupy-E4
P:Oh my God! Nazis! Nazi propaganda! Aah! (drops the controller, screams
some more, and proceeds to take the absolute biggest hit known to man)

G:It's not like that. Hitler ripped off the Indians. I would've thought
you'd have freaked out more over the trippy color scheme for Link than
about the map.

P:(looks at Link for a long time, takes a hit) Cool! This level has black
lights! (long pause, with an expression of glee for most of it) Oh, come
on what is this!? Stupid soldier dude! What do I do, Garrett?

G:You've got to hit the Red Darknut from the sides or behind because of
his armor.

P:(after a period of about 10 minutes) What the...? You cannot tell me
that that (points at the screen) is not made by people who use drugs.
(begins to hack away)

G:(sighs) It's about drug with you, isn't it? (P:YES!!!) It's easier if
you drop a bomb and time it so that Manhandla will be totally (P:You said
"totally"! Ha ha!) over the bomb and die with one hit. You need to learn
how to conserve enery since all of the bosses will shoot beams that your
shield can defend.

P:That sucks. Didn't you say that there were places I could use this raft
to get some bud and stuff?

G:No, but you can get a Heart Container by using the raft in P4. You also
need the raft to get to F5 and Level 4 from the screen below.

P:Cool. (finds Level 4; enters) What do I do now and why isn't there a
black light in the Level too?

G sarcastically) I don't know. All I know about this level is this:
Level 4(Snake)
         A  B  C  D
       1 X  X  X  X         Entrance-B8
       2 X  X  X  X         Map-B3
       3 X  X               Compass-C7
       4 X  X  X            Keys-A8, B6, A5, B1
       5 X                  Treasure(Ladder)-C4
       6 X  X               Boss(2-Headed Gleeok)-D2
       7    X  X            Secret Room-B2
       8 X  X               Bomb Openings-B2(all directions)

P:A snake! Ooh, (hack!) puttin' a little sex into the mix, aren't we? And
what's a Gleeok?

G looks at the Pot-Smoker with a huge "what the heck are you talking
about expression)No, there isn't any sex in this game. I think you need
to take that joint out of your mouth and sober up a little. Jeez. A Gleeok
is a type of dragon. This one has 2 heads (duh).

P:Oh, it's on now! (Storms into the boss room and kicks some massive butt)
I'm telling you, the designers are users, man.

G: No, they're not. You're just guilty about your habit and want to
project it onto others.
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